How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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