The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
