Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
