I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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