Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he shaved USA in his pubs
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
