i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize