My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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