he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i will never coherently bang her
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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