She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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