that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
