I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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