doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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