i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
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