Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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