I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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