She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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