what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
