I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
