i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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