Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
