I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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