Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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