My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You did what with his pubic hair?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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