this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
