I'm lost and stupid without you.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
