There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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