I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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