I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
