i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
