I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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