I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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