The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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