If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
