she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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