some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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