brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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