So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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