Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
