all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
