My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
