ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
