My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
