i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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