I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
