i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
