a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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