During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize