You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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