all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
