Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
