Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Randomize
