can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
