I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
