I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
