Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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