I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
