Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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