so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
