I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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