the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Damn victory sex feels great
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
