the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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